


Cruel to Be Kind

by TeekiJane



Series: The Boys of Summer [27]
Category: Baby-Sitters Club - Ann M. Martin
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-30
Updated: 2013-12-30
Packaged: 2018-01-06 19:47:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1110813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TeekiJane/pseuds/TeekiJane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jordan really doesn’t like Haley’s idea of a going away present.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cruel to Be Kind

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Teresa Y, who, among all the other awesome things she does, uttered the line, “I bet you secretly write really graphic smut.” Wrong, but incredibly funny. Thanks.

_I do my best to understand, dear_  
 _But you still mystify and I want to know why_  
 _I pick myself up off the ground_  
 _To have you knock me back down again and again_  
Nick Lowe, Cruel to be Kind

**Jordan**

The day I left for college was the worst day of my life so far. 

It didn’t start that way. I was nervous about leaving, but mostly I was excited. I was _ready_. I didn’t know exactly what to expect, but I thought I could handle whatever life was going to throw at me. I just didn’t count on Hurricane Haley. 

The drive down to Gainesville isn’t exactly a short one, so Mom had taken time off work to take me to school. We were going to stop at a motel Saturday night and then she’d spend Sunday helping me get settled. She’d spend Sunday night down there before making the whole drive back on Monday. Any time I wanted to come home in the middle of the school year, I’d have to fly. 

I said goodbye to my brothers and sisters one at a time. Nick had come to talk to me Friday night because he had no intention of being up early enough on Saturday to see me off. He’d spent the whole time looking at the ground, embarrassed he’d actually come in. Vanessa had stopped by fifteen minutes later and told me to remember every detail of college life because she’s trying to decide whether or not she actually wants to go to college herself. (She was kidding. I happen to know she’s dying to get accepted at Vassar.) 

Margo and Claire each got up in the morning and came by to tell me to have fun off at school. They were both overly solicitous. (It wasn’t until several hours into the car ride later that day that Mom admitted that Mallory—who was moving into an apartment off campus and was planning to come home only briefly now and then—had decided to give up her bedroom. Vanessa was moving into the room (which had once been Dad’s study). With Adam and me going away, our bedroom would be empty most of the year, and Margo and Claire were campaigning to be allowed to take it over.) For her part, Mal had popped her head in and told me to have fun, but not too much fun, and told me to send her an email now and then. 

Byron stopped me as I headed down to breakfast and he was headed out the door for work. “I’m so jealous, man,” he said. 

“What for?” I asked with a grin. “You’re leaving in two weeks, right?” 

“Right,” he agreed. “But I’m eager to start my life now.” We vowed to compare notes on a regular basis and stay in touch by email and instant message as much as possible. I was suddenly glad that he and I had had a chance to talk not long before. I can’t explain what had changed, but ever since Adam and I had sorted out our disagreement, Byron and I had been getting along better also. 

I went back up to my room after breakfast to do some last minute packing. Adam was sitting on his bed, watching me sullenly. “What’s up?” I asked him. I was still sorta irritated with him for not telling me he thought he’d gotten Tiffany pregnant, but it wasn’t the first time I’d held a grudge over something idiotic he’d done, and I’m sure it wouldn’t be the last. I wasn’t sure if he was looking so cranky because he knew that, or if something else was going on. 

He eyed me blearily; he’d just woken up. “Florida,” he said, lying back down and pulling his sheet over his chest. “Why the fuck did you have to pick a school in Florida?” 

I laughed, even though he sounded serious. “Isn’t it a little late to be asking that?” I pointed out. 

He made a face. “I just don’t know how we’re going to make it, being thirteen hours apart,” he said, rolling onto his back and talking to the ceiling. 

“Thirteen hours?” I asked. 

“I looked on Mapquest.” 

“Ahh.” I put a few last minute items of clothing into a suitcase as he continued to look up and ignore me. I reached into my sock drawer and pulled out two items—a wrapped shirt box and a small jewelry store box. “C’mon, Adam,” I said, and he turned back to look at me from the top bunk, “Did you really think we’d end up at the same college?” 

“No,” he said, but his voice told me he was lying. He sat back up and swung himself out of bed, jumping from the top bunk. “I just thought we’d be closer together, that’s all,” he added. 

I shrugged, turning my attention away from the presents I’d put on top of my bag for longer than I’d expected. I’d thought that we’d end up much closer than thirteen hours too, but it the fact that it didn’t happen seemed to bother him a lot more than it bothered me. “I’m sorry,” I told him. “I just couldn’t pass up the chance. Florida, man! I mean, I’ve always loved them. How could I turn that down?” 

He shook his head. “I guess you couldn’t,” he conceded. I picked up a few more items and put them in a pile, then remembered I needed to gather up my stuff from the bathroom. “You will stay in touch, right?” 

I gaped at him; he was starting to sound like Byron a bit, with the worries over stupid shit. “No, Asshole,” I said, trying not to laugh again, “This is the last time you’re going to see or hear from me ever. Better say your last words.” 

Adam slugged me in the shoulder. “All right, Shithead, point taken.” 

Mom appeared in the doorway. “Jordan,” she said, looking around at the room. She’d taken to having a funny expression on her face whenever she looked and saw something else was packed up. “We’re leaving in half an hour. You said you had a stop to make?” 

There was one last goodbye I had to say that I was really dreading. I packed up my toiletries and left them with the rest of my luggage by the door. I really didn’t have too much to haul—mostly just clothes. Most of my things were going to be waiting at the Kitchen  & Bath store in Gainesville. I ran out the front door and was halfway across the yard when I realized I’d left Haley’s present sitting on top of my bag. Cursing myself silently, I decided to go ahead with my goodbye. Maybe I’d have Byron bring it over to her later. I had the feeling she’d be spending some extra time with him in the next few weeks before he left. 

She knew I was coming and she was waiting by the door. She looked like she hadn’t slept right the night before—she was even more unhappy looking than Adam was. I had been completely ready to leave Stoneybrook behind until I saw that. 

“Haley,” I whispered, not able to articulate anything I wanted to say. She tried to smile at me but failed. I pulled her into a tight hug and she squeezed me hard. I heard her sigh deeply as she pressed her face into my chest. Finally I released her. “I got you a present,” I told her, “but I left it at home.” 

Haley didn’t look any happier than she had when I showed up. “I’ve got something for you, too,” she said listlessly. I’ve seen her show a large variety of emotions through the years, but I couldn’t read her right now. She didn’t look pouty like she did when she wanted something out of me, nor did she seem tearful. There was a certain dark resolve to her, like she knew something unpleasant was going to happen but there was nothing she could do about it. 

I stepped inside the house. The rest of her family was home, but they quickly cleared out of the living room to give us some privacy. Haley perched on the arm of the couch and looked at me blankly. I moved to her and put one of my hands in her hair, wanting to remember the silky feeling. She pulled back for a second but then leaned toward me. I knelt in front of her and she inched off the couch, throwing her arms around my neck. “I wish you didn’t have to go,” she said directly into my neck. 

“I know,” I replied. I ran my hands up and down her back as I felt the first tears drip down into my shirt. I was going to have to be careful or _I’d_ start crying in a second. There was no telling when I’d be home next. Would I be able to afford to fly out for fall break or Thanksgiving? Probably not. Mom and Dad had promised all three of us triplets a plane ticket home for Christmas, but we were on our own for the rest of the breaks. Either find a ride or pay for our own way. Christmas break was more than four months away. 

Haley finally pulled her face away from my soggy neck and sat back down. I sat down next to her, my arm around her waist. “I want you to have fun at school,” she said, wiping the back of her hand across one eye. 

She was starting to sound like my parents—or Mallory. “I plan to,” I said, not sure where she was headed with this. I touched her forehead with my free hand and tucked some hair behind her ears. She was still wearing her pajamas—a tank top and a pair of shorts covered in rainbows—and she hadn’t put on makeup or done her hair yet for the day. (This was probably a good thing, because otherwise, colored mascara would be smeared all over her face once again.) 

Haley nodded. “Good. And I want to help you with that.” She wiggled her way loose from my grip and backed away from me just a little bit, until she was nearly out of my reach. “I’m going to set you free,” she said, not looking happy—just resolute. 

I didn’t like the sound of that. Without her to touch, I didn’t know what to do with my hands. “What does that mean?” I asked, cracking the knuckles of my left hand with my right. 

She stood up and walked over to the window. The curtains were pulled open and she looked out toward the sun, not responding right away to my question. Finally she turned back toward me. “There’s going to be so much for you to do at school. I don’t want to hold you back.” 

“I’m not sure how you could,” I commented. I wanted so badly to go over and join her in the window, but I knew she’d walked over there for a reason, and if I followed, she’d just go to the other side of the room. 

Haley set her jaw, willing herself not to cry any more. “You’re going to meet interesting new people and have all new friends—a whole new life. All I’m saying is, that if you meet someone you like better than me, I want you to have the chance to explore that.” 

“Someone I like better than you?” I repeated. What was she saying? Was she breaking up with me? “I don’t think I could ever find someone I like better than you. I don’t think you get it, Haley.” She had been looking at the ground, and when I said her name, she turned her brown eyes back to meet me. “I love you. Distance isn’t going to change that.” 

She shook her head. “You don’t know that,” she said. “There are all kinds of awesome people at school, people with different ideas and new ways of thinking. You could meet girls that are way better than me—smarter, prettier, and a whole hell of a lot less crazy.” 

“Haley. You are _not_ crazy,” I insisted. 

“Aren’t I? I think I am some days,” She came back over to the couch, where I was still sitting. “I’m not breaking up with you, Jordan,” she said, reading the look on my face, “I’m just saying that if you find someone else you want to date, you’re free to do so.” 

I felt those tears I’d pushed down earlier come bubbling back up. “Why? I don’t want to date anyone else!” I was being a little louder than I intended. I hoped her parents weren’t overhearing any of this. “What is this about, Haley? Is there someone else _you_ want to date?” 

Haley shook her head. “Nope. I sincerely doubt there’s any guy in this town that could hold my interest.” 

“Then _why_? Explain yourself, please.” 

She shook her head again. “I already explained myself. I don’t want stupid little me in Stoneybrook holding you back in any way.” 

“I take back what I said about you being crazy,” I said, “because you’re sure acting crazy right now.” She bit her lower lip and glared at me a little; I’d clearly hurt her feelings a bit. “Look. I don’t want a half-way relationship with you. Either we can be completely together, or we’re not together at all. I love you and I don’t want things to end this way.” 

Haley turned away from me again. “There’s no way for us to be completely together,” she said sadly. “We’re going to be in different states, fifteen hours apart. And even if we were in the same state, I’m sure I’d just end up driving you away.” 

She was sure driving me away now. “What are you saying, Haley?” I asked. She didn’t reply, just looked down at the end table, her back completely turned to me. Her hands were sitting flat in her lap; she wasn’t even fiddling with anything the way she does when she’s upset. I stood up and walked away from her. “Fine,” I said icily, standing in the doorway between the living room and the vestibule. “I guess this is it. It’s been nice knowing you.” 

I was such a mix of emotions as I walked back to my house. I was mad at Haley for being so stubborn and hard-headed. Why wouldn’t she listen to reason? But I was also upset with myself for not being more patient with her. I have quite the temper sometimes, but I had been trying so hard not to ever unleash it on her, because she has moments where she’s just so delicate I’m afraid she’ll break. I hadn’t even given her a sliver of my fury this morning for that reason. 

But mostly I was just sad. We’d been together a little less than four months. Is this all I was going to get out of her? Granted, it was the longest relationship I’d ever been in, but that kind of made it worse. What was the matter with me that I couldn’t hold on to a girlfriend—especially one that I’d never been anything but careful with? 

I went around the back of the house, hoping I could slide in through the kitchen without anyone else seeing me. I hadn’t actually shed a tear, but I knew my eyes must look like I had. I didn’t have any luck in the avoidance department. “Hey, Jordan,” Adam said as I came in through the door, my head ducked down so he couldn’t see my face, “You left Haley’s present upstairs. Did you want to run it back over to her?” 

I shook my head, still looking at the linoleum. “No.” 

Adam held it up. “What do you want me to do with it?” he asked. 

“Throw it in the trash.” I hurried out of the room, leaving him with a bewildered look on his face, still holding the boxes. 

Mom was standing at the bottom of the stairs with the two bags I still had in the house. “Jordan,” she said, clearly surprised, “You’re back sooner than I expected.” 

I didn’t reply directly to that. “Can we go now?” I asked. 

She raised her eyebrow. “Everything okay?” 

“Can we please just leave?” 

***

Mom must have gotten the idea that I was serious, because we were on the road within five minutes. She watched me quietly the first ten minutes or so, until Stoneybrook was behind us and everything ahead of us was uncharted territory. “Spill,” she said finally. “What happened?” 

I sighed because I knew we were going to be spending fifteen hours in the car together. If I didn’t tell her now, I’d tell her eventually. Better to get it over with. “I think Haley broke up with me,” I said mournfully. 

Mom had planned to let me drive the first leg, but she knows better than to let me behind the wheel when I’m worked up. “You _think_ she broke up with you?” she asked incredulously. “What exactly does that mean?” 

I watched the scenery for a moment before I replied. “She said she wanted to set me free. I’m still not quite sure what she meant by that. But she made it clear that I was allowed to date other girls. I told her I didn’t want to do things half-way with her.” I made a face as I realized that I’d actually broken up with her, not the other way around. 

Mom looked out to the horizon as she drove, but I knew she was paying attention to everything I said. Sometimes, Adam calls me a Mama’s boy, because he doesn’t go to our parents with his problems the way I do. Neither, I’d noticed, did Byron. Well, so what? Mom’s always good for solving my girl problems, plus she gets a lot less mad when I go to her and tell her I’ve done something I shouldn’t than when she finds out through the grapevine. She knows that I got really sick the one time I smoked pot, and that ever since then, I’ve just pretended to take a hit if someone passes me a joint. 

She finally spoke. “I’m sorry, Jordan,” she said. “Breakups bite.” I laughed at her phrasing and she smiled lightly. That had been her intent. “Is there anything I can do for you?” 

I slumped down in my seat. Unfortunately, there wasn’t. Try as she might, your mom can’t mend your broken heart any more than she can mend your broken bone. “I don’t get it, Mom,” I said, hoping that she had some insight into the ways of women. “Why did Haley do this? She kept saying I’d find a girl that was better than her. Do you think it’s possible that she never loved me the way I loved her?” 

Mom reached over and patted my arm. “Sweetheart, it sounds like just the opposite. I don’t know—I can’t get into Haley’s head. But I think she cared so much about you that the idea that you could potentially find someone else scared her. She wanted to stave off the hurt by being able to say, ‘I _told_ him he could do this,’ if you ever did break up with her.” 

The tears I’d been fighting all morning long finally came out. “I wouldn’t do that to her,” I said sadly. Even if by some chance I actually found another girl I liked more than Haley—and I couldn’t even imagine one—I wouldn’t _want_ to sneak around and date someone else behind her back…even if she’d given me permission to do just that. 

The tears were quiet and I wasn’t sure Mom noticed them at first. After a moment, she reached into the console between the seats and pulled out a tissue that she handed me. I wiped my eyes with it. “I know that,” Mom said, her eyes still on the road. We were quiet for a while and I threw the tissue away. “First love is tough, Jordan,” she said finally. “You want so bad to make it work, but it doesn’t usually. You’re still growing up, even though you’re an adult. Even though neither one of you sets out to hurt the other, you end up growing apart and doing just that.” 

She had a faraway look in her eyes. “You’re not talking about me and Haley anymore, are you?” I asked. 

Mom shook her head. “No. I’m talking about my first love.” 

“You mean you don’t think of Dad as your first love?” 

Mom laughed. “You don’t think your dad is the only guy I ever dated?” she asked. 

“No…” I said slowly. Actually, I kinda had thought that. “I just didn’t realize that you’d had other boyfriends that you loved like that.” 

“Oh yeah.” Mom changed lanes and then briefly looked over at me. “I’d call your dad my fourth love. No, probably my fifth. In any case, I dated a boy when I was sixteen. Tommy. I loved him so much. He went away to college like you’re doing, and he got me a promise ring, saying that if I were only two years older, he’d buy me an engagement ring instead.” I blushed, thinking of the box that I’d told Adam to throw away. It wasn’t a promise ring and definitely not an engagement ring, but Mom could have been telling my story right now other than that. 

Mom went on. “We started out okay doing the long distance thing. We’d call and talk every Sunday night, and we wrote letters all the time. But as time went on, the letters and calls became less common. We just both got busy with other things. I definitely never cheated on him, and I’m fairly certain he never cheated on me. But when he came home that summer, we had all the time in the world to spend with each other. And we found out that we were just two very different people than we had been the year before. We got into a fight and broke up. I gave him back his ring, and I didn’t see him again for several years after that.” I shook my head in sympathy. “But a short time later I met Frank, who was my second love. And Tommy, he met a girl off a school and married her. Actually,” Mom laughed, “I think he’s been divorced a couple times over now.” 

I sighed. “I just don’t think I could ever meet another girl like Haley,” I said. 

Mom smiled. “Here’s the thing, Jordan. Maybe Haley will realize she’s been silly and call you and you can work it out. And maybe you two will have better luck than Tommy and I did. I hope so. But if it doesn’t end up that way, you won’t ever meet another girl like Haley. You’ll meet another girl that has some of the qualities you love in Haley, but others that you didn’t even know you were looking for. Each failed romance helps you figure out what you need in a partner. Tommy wasn’t the right guy for me. And neither was Frank or the other two men I loved before your dad. But they helped me figure myself out enough to be in the right place when your dad came along.” 

“Did you ever tell any of them you were going to set them free and let them date other girls?” 

“No,” Mom answered, “I’ve never done that. But I’m sure that in Haley’s head, she had a very good reason for that.” 

I replayed our conversation in my mind, and one line stuck. She had said, ‘I’m sure I’ll just end up driving you away.’ Suddenly, I understood exactly what this was all about. “She’s afraid that she’s going to do something to hurt me, so she wanted to give me an out before she did that,” I said slowly out loud, more to myself than to Mom, “What she didn’t realize is that her actions to prevent from hurting me hurt me more than anything else she could have done.” 

Mom made a sympathetic noise. “Why do you think she’s afraid of hurting you?” she asked. 

I _think_ she wanted me to realize the truth to her earlier statement that Haley did actually care about me more than I realized, but that’s not where my head went. “She’s got issues,” I said. Mom raised her eyebrows. “Something happened to her once, and she’s got all these walls and barriers since then. I agreed that I wouldn’t try to break them down too fast or without her permission, but it turns out that she’s needing a lot more time to get past things than even she thought.” I wrapped my arms around myself, wishing I were hugging her. “I think she was afraid I’d get tired of being patient and just give up on her entirely.” 

Mom looked surprised. “What exactly happened to her, Jordan?” she asked, alarmed. I shook my head. If I told Mom, she’d tell Haley’s mother, who I’m pretty certain didn’t know. She definitely would have sent her to see a professional and most likely would have had the guy arrested, and I know neither of those things ever happened. “Is this something her mother should know about? The police?” 

I nodded miserably. “Yes and yes. But Mom, it’s been several years. Haley needs to be the one to tell her mom, don’t you think?” Mom nodded reluctantly. “She barricaded herself from the world afterward. I’m pretty sure it’s why she stopped hanging out with Vanessa and all their friends. Byron was able to get past that because she considered him safe, for some reason.” I still didn’t quite understand exactly what had drawn Haley to Byron, although I wasn’t jealous of their friendship particularly. If anything, I was glad they’d had each other—for both of their sakes’. 

“I’d always wondered about that myself,” Mom said with a little laugh. “Haley and Byron. By and Hay, right?” I smiled at that. “Two polar opposites in some ways. You don’t get much louder or outspoken than Haley, while Byron at that point was so quiet and conservative. I think they just each needed someone who accepted them for their faults and issues.” 

“That sounds about right,” I said after a moment’s reflection. “And I thought I’d found that in her, too.” 

Mom glanced over at me again. “Give it time, Jordan,” she said. “She might come back around. If she’s that barricaded and guarded, she might need some time and a little shove to realize she made a mistake.” 

I really hoped there was someone around willing to do a little shoving.

**Author's Note:**

> Coming soon in _The Boys of Summer_ :  
> We finally learn the identity of Vanessa’s mystery skater  
> Adam just has one last thing to sort out  
> Jeff gets ready to head back to California


End file.
